Sleep..........For the love of everything good.........Sleep!
I'm exhausted!! I mean it. I'm out of my mind, totally exhausted. The large dark circles under my eyes will attest to it. I wear a Misfit exercise and sleep monitor all the time now. It keeps me accountable to moving my body enough through the day, but it also tracks my sleep patterns. Let's see, yep, I got a whoppin' 1hr and 53 min. of restful sleep last night. Three hours and 45 min. the night before, and Wow, four hours and 12 min. the night before that (that's the most restful sleep I've had in weeks). I'm that kind of tired that S.T.R.O.N.G. coffee doesn't quite touch. Anyone have any tooth picks to prop open my eyes?
I have the same sleep pattern every night. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow; a tornado couldn't wake me up during this time. But that only last a very short time. Then my brain fires and tells me that there's an emergency. I wake up frantic and often my heart is racing. Then my whole body marathon starts. My legs kick like we're in the last leg of a race and I'm giving it my all. My body turns from side to side like I'm a rotisserie chicken. My arms and shoulders feel like I'm putting my pinky finger into a light socket. I lay there and contemplate every single situation in my life. I plan my days, I pray for friends and family, I pray for REST and PEACE. Then, in the final hours of the morning, I usually fall back to sleep for a tiny bit longer before my alarm tells me, I'm out of luck.
My dreams are very interesting, too. No need to go to a psychiatrist, my dreams are easy to interpret. There's the reoccurring dream of someone big and scary chasing my down the street. I run as fast as I can, screaming for help. My neighbors open their doors enough to peak out and I scream, "Help Me!". They close their doors tightly and I run on. I collapse into pure exhaustion trying to hide from this antagonizing figure. I'm always running. A couple of nights ago, I guess I was feeling rather creative in the brain when I came up with this one. So, I was drafted into the military and being pushed along in this big, crowded line. I stood before a huge man and he thrust a massive gun into my arms. I could barely hold it, and I had no idea how to use it. The line went on and next, a heavy bed roll was given to me. I couldn't carry it! It was just too heavy. I told the guy I couldn't manage the bed roll and the gun, and he said, "Then you will die." (Pretty caring sentiments, I think.) I was still walking along in line and then, Bam, we were out in battle! Shots were being fired and everyone else was using their guns and fighting. I tried to figure out my gun and then began to ask for help to use it. No one heard me. No one even looked at me. I ran into a war-torn building and tried desperately to find a hiding corner. I couldn't fight anymore, I just wanted to hide.
My friends and family reading this all know that I have put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ. So, one might say according to these dreams, you are trying to carry your own burdens and not releasing everything to Jesus. I would agree that this is what it looks like. However, until you have walked (some days, limped) in my shoes, until your own body has decided to destroy itself, until every dream and plan you made for yourself and your husband has to be re-written, please do not pass judgement. Frankly, I'm too tired to hear it.
I put so many oils on me at night, you'd swear I'd slick right up and out of my bed! It's a good thing I don't have satin sheets or I might! I've tried every natural herb and tea. Yes, I pray powerfully and diligently for rest. I don't know what else to do. I fight this MS (will from here on out be referred to as "The Monster") all day long, I'm too tired to fight it in my sleep.
So, I move on. I will start my day by asking God for His strength to attack this day. One. Day. At. A. Time. Sometimes, one step at a time. Life is hard, but God is good. He will give me what I need, including rest.
(And NO, I'm not complaining. I'm SHARING.) :)
