I miss the old me.

       

      Some days I miss the old me. The vibrant, strong, dancer, horse trainer, hiker, crazy-jumping-off-waterfalls, me.  There aren’t too many things that I haven’t tried. I’ve hiked the Grand Canyon……twice. I was run down by a wild horse while down in the canyon and still hiked some 10 miles to get out.  I’ve been to 4 of the 7 continents and planned to visit the other 3 to cross them off my bucket list.  I’ve danced professionally (and in Las Vegas to boot, but that’s another story for another time). I’ve exercised and lifted weights until it became a mini-obsession and I was featured in Women’s Health Magazine.  I’ve managed a ranch for kids who have experienced more trauma than most of us could ever imagine. I became an equine therapist so I could help them learn to trust again. There wasn’t a racquet sport that I didn’t love. I used to believe that my competitive spirit was an endearing quality.   I’ve even drag raced with my dad for crying out loud!  I am adventurous at heart. My husband says I get bored too easily. Doesn’t everyone move their furniture around every month or so?  I like to think it’s the Cherokee Indian in me, the call of the wild that gets bottled up until I have to run free!  But these are all memories now. Some days I feel like I’m remembering someone else’s memoirs. Perhaps a book I read years ago.  And some days I’m a bit jealous of that mountain loving,  yet high heel wearing, full of life woman that I think I used to know.

            I’ll be 40 this year. I’m not afraid of that number.  Not at all! I was always planning on 40 just beginning life. Like really growing up. Finally becoming an adult and doing adult things.  I really can’t wait to be a Grandma some day.  I’ve always wanted to be that cool Grandma with the crazy colors in her hair screaming like a mad-woman at every sporting event my grandkids are involved in.  That granny on America’s Got Talent tap dancing away and amazing everyone! Or maybe time would have calmed me down and I would have been satisfied on the back of my horses, trail riding with my grown son into the sunset.  But now, my future will most likely look quiet different. 

            Auto-immune diseases suck! I mean literally suck the life right out of you at times.  My body is attacking itself and there’s nothing I or any doctor can do to stop it. “I am not the enemy!” I try to tell myself. But in my usual, stubborn way, my body continues to attack and I continue to deteriorate.  I am blessed to still be working with children and coaching gymnastics. Hopefully, no one recognizes that intense stretching and coaching will most likely lead to crawling up the stairs when I get home. And a “tax” that I will have to pay the day after I work.  I can’t quit.  Not yet.  It’s all I have left of the full -of -energy woman I was.  Keeping up with classes of Kindergarteners and trying to teach them that a BALANCE beam is far better than a FALLING OFF beam, is hard work. But it is so rewarding for me. For a few hours, a couple times a week, I kind of forget that my life is changing. I feel…. ( My thesaurus says “electrifying, sparky” . I thought that was a bit cruel seeings how my MS lights me up some days) …..maybe I’ll just say, I feel like my old self.  And that’s a tax I’m willing to pay.

            One thing this disease can not take from me is my warrior spirit. I will press on. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, one day at a time.  I write these words in this story from my heart, from my emotions.  Which I battle daily.  However, through this illness, God is granting me wisdom to accept the things I can not change.  He is making me into a new woman. Like a beautiful butterfly coming out of my chrysalis, He is making me into a new creation. This change is painful at times. I’m still stubborn! But new dreams are on the horizon.  A future that I can’t imagine just yet.  How will my Maker use me in the lives of others? How will this disease make me into a stronger woman of God? I am thankful for the promises of God in His Word that tell me “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^[a]for those who are called according to his purpose.” He chose me to live out this disease and He has a purpose. I will hold on to that, hold on to Him, especially on the days when I can not walk.

            Yes, some days, I miss the old me. What a crazy woman I was!  But I fight on.  God has big plans for me and I don’t want to miss a single second of this fantastic adventure!